A Tribute to My Dad...
This page is one that I wasn't sure would make a public appearance. It is quite personal. Once I got into it though, it became apparent that this was the page that really told the story about Qsine and the people behind it.
(Please note that I wrote this before dad died and didn't have the heart to change things to past tense. I am glad that he got to read it before he died.)
The Pen is Mightier than the Sword...
I think this phrase is about gifted people who can motivate and create a reaction in people by touching them emotionally through written words. For me though, it means that I am braver when I write than when I speak!
I am starting to realize that being able to write at any skill level is a gift. And while my skills may not be very good, I feel that it is a gift for me to be able to write this for you dad.
You Make it Look So Easy
Looking back we've had better than 10 years of working together. For much of this time I have been exploring the world of technology: machines, hydraulics, electronics and computers. I have been able to delve into business: administration, sales, planning new products, services, tools and facilities. It has been learning on top of learning and, at this point in time, I feel like I've led 10 or more careers in less time than it takes some people to find one.
Somehow you helped me do all of this. Right now it feels like I did it without feeling committed, dedicated or responsible to anything or anyone - I just did it because you and I were trying to do what we thought needed to be done.
Somehow, we always got lost in what we were doing and everything else in this world seemed to disappear. For years, I wondered if I was ignoring everything else but now I can see that the world does disappear when I get sidetracked. I don't feel like I have missed a thing or anybody has missed me.
It hasn't always been this way. Sometimes I've wondered if working so hard was worth ignoring the people that I cared about. Sometimes I wondered if my life would have been better if I had done something else. Other times I just wondered how much stuff that I had been missing out on.
All I really needed was patience. Now it seems like enough events have passed that I can look back and actually see a path that I came down. And when I look sideways now, I see the other paths as ones that I did not come down instead of ones that I could take.
Those times of indecision probably taught me more than the business and the work that instilled the indecisiveness in me. I remember well the times when I had the feeling that enough's enough and it is time to do something else. I also remember my anger and how it was directed at you. Not because you made me feel like I had to stay but because I could not find my way out and you were always there beside me.
Deep down I knew, but was afraid to admit, that no matter where I went and what I did, I would still ignore people that are important to me, still wonder about what other things out there that I would still be missing. I really don't know whether, some of those times, I didn't give up Qsine because I knew that nothing would change or because I was afraid of losing the one thing I could blame for my feeling trapped.
I would apologize to you now if I thought that you would recognize that one is owed to you. More than anyone, I think you understand the head-strong character that spends his life oblivious to his manners, while seeking the truth about what is before him at that particular moment. The passion that powers the ambition also powers the rage and standing close to me, like standing close to you, is generally not for the weak. And a bit like this cartoon, if either of us were really angry, we would have never gone for the ride anyway!
Between Luck and Time
For as hard as it was to come to peace with the traps that I set for myself, I want you to know that it taught me something about quitting even though I didn't quit. One of my realizations was that if I quit, nothing ended. All it would be is the beginning of a regret because there is no way to know if I tried my hardest.
This realization made me think back to 1991-92 when you and mom put everything into the business; re-mortgaging the house and scraping up money from every possible place. I could not understand this very well at that time. Considering the age you two were at and the consequences that might have been, I remember thinking how foolish what you were doing might be.
But now I can understand. Unless it gets taken away, you can never know if you tried your very best. Looking at the past decade, yours and mom's bold move looks like courage to me and everyone around us. Qsine has done well; you saved the business and we had a chance to prosper for a while. I remember reflecting back on this with mom back in 1994 or somewhere around then, and I couldn't get over how you knew that things would turn around.
My perspective has grown and now I know that you didn't really know. As when similar times come for me, I will not really know whether I am being courageous or foolish either. I can only hope that I will have the same unshakeable faith that I saw you with. And then it will only be between luck and time that the brave and the fools get sorted out.